Dear God,

I’d just like to say THANK YOU for all the wonderful things you have done, is doing and will continue to do for me. THANK YOU for the oh so many gifts and blessings you have poured upon me, unworthy as I am…

Indeed Lord, you know what has always been in my heart…for as long as I have remembered, I have always had this desire…but I have always pictured it only as that – MY desire! But recently O Lord, I am not sure, but could it be that YOU are showing me that it is YOUR will?

Even as subtle as my “suggestion”, an inner prayer, a part of that desire, for a “band” was “answered” – and not quite how I imagined it – in fact, it was a whole lot better than I could ever have imagined it to be! – with the forming of the Taize Team, a team of young adults, friends, who come together, under the guidance of our beloved Bishop nonetheless, to glorify your name in psalms!

In the beginning I didn’t quite see it O Lord, but after countless times singing and praying and praising with the psalms, only then did I realise, it wasn’t about the singing anymore…it was much deeper than that. It is about singing not for oursleves or for others, not for man, but singing TO YOU, singing love songs TO YOU O God! And I realised that only NOw, after I’ve personally learnt to use my voice to glorify YOUR name, did it all fall into place…

Months ago, no, YEARS ago, I always told myself I had a good voice. Indeed I was very proud of myself and would wish and wish that people would tell me I had a good voice. And you know what, NO ONE ever did! So, I started to wonder, maybe I dont have a good voice, maybe I was just being vain…but in my heart, I knew I still loved singing…so while that desire to sing still remained, my “self-pride” was humbled (and come to think of it, I dont know at which point exactly this happened either) so when it came the time that we had Taize nights, everytime I sang, I was secretly praying that my voice helped people connect with God and was not a distraction instead! Cos personally, I really cant stand horrible singing!

Still, during the earlier Taizes, I tend to hog the mike, or sing more solos, with the presumption that I CAN sing and have a good voice! Yet, NO ONE affirmed me, and in once instance, was even told to back off from the mike. Ehehe. So yeah, it was a learning experience for me. A humbling experience. Until the most recent Taize just past, instead of hogging people’s parts, I actually volunteered to give my part up (as much as I really didnt want to cos of my desire to sing) – that in itself shocked me! But our leader, who is an awesome guitarist/singer/cantor said “NO, you must be the anchor!” so I kept my part…

And that Taize night was routine (for me), and like most Taize nights, I feel Your presence…but that was it. After that night, we’ll all be back to our everyday lives (of which singing has nothing to do with it at all!) and we “keep” our voices to praise you in the next Taize night…except this time, it was NOT the case…

A day later, on the 40th Anniiversary, a friend and I went for the evening mass. We were kinda late so the church was full! The only place left was the choir pew and the choir allowed us to sit there provided we sang with them! Hehe. So yeah, we did, for the entrance hymn, but that was as far as I went. I sang, yes, but I did not stand up with the choir (unlike my friend) haha…and IMMEDIATELY after Mass ended, Sister, who was seated behind us (she was part of the choir too) tapped me on the shoulder and asked,

“You have a really nice voice! Would you like to join the Choir? Our practice is at 8pm Fridays.”

I was dumbfounded. I had always, always wanted to join the choir…but this was not how I imagined the possibility of joining the choir to be like. If anything, if anyone were to invite me, I would have thought it would be our Taize guitarist, the professional cantor!

Of course, still quite in shock, I gave all sorts of reasons why Friday might be a bit tricky for me, but I left the option open…

And the following day, an auntie texted me,

“Morning Mar, you sang so sweetly during Taize nite. Puji Tuhan for the beautiful voice”

and again, I was shocked. NO ONE has ever said anything about my voice, EVER! And now in 2 days, 2 different people pointed it out…

I replied with “Thanks so much! All Glory To God!”

and continued my day as normal…

And then just THIS evening, after daily mass, a friend of mine introduced me to another auntie saying,

“This is Mar. She’s the one with the nice voice I told you about”

To which I replied, “Ehh?” in disbelief.

And she continued to tell me how she’d always wanted to tell me that but kept forgetting and that she thinks I have this gift and that I should consider pursuing it and use it to glorify You, O God.

3 different people, 3 different ways…are You trying to tell me something God? Is this YOUR calling?

Cos as much as it is, as it has always been, my desire, to sing, to use my voice, to praise You O God, let it not be MY desire but YOUR will be done!